This is how my Love Story ends…

Sunday 14th :

The alarm rang around 8 am, I woke up next to you, layed there thinking on that conversation we had the night before. You kissed me but I was petrified, I was not responding to your caresses; can’t remember if we had a conversation but my mind was not there. You left the room, and all could think was that everything we’ve gotten so far was falling apart, that maybe you don’t love me enough, that maybe you don’t want to be with me as I thought. Omg, did he stop loving me? That feeling accelerated my breathing so I sat in your bed, grabbed my water bottle, drank some… I was so confused… It felt like all I had in mind and plans I had with this relationship were tearing apart, I just couldn’t understand how comfortable you were with our situation when everytime I flew back to Panama I felt so sad because I just couldn’t stay longer.
I got off the bed and walked around in your room, and staring at those pictures you have, it got me thinking : we’ve been building great memories together but suddenly I couldn’t see it clearly, when did everything changed?
I sat again in the bed looking at the window shades and had some more water as if the water would help me to feel less miserable…
The more I see you during my short visits, the more I need you Juan. I started feeling I was not important for you as I thought, that all you want is to be single and have occasional sex, for free, why not? I started feeling guilty, feeling like a whore, is it all about sex? Just like all my previous relationships? I felt the Yuliana from a few years ago was back. Suddenly all I could say to myself was “run”.
It felt like everything was falling into place, got all the answers to those questions I had along this relationship: “no wonder he never found the hidden letters, no wonder he never talked about visiting me anymore, no wonder he hasn’t talked to me about THE PLAN we had, am I forcing everything to happen? Am I letting him with no choice but to be with me when I’m here? Maybe he doesn’t even care if I visit or not”
“I have to run… “

IMG-20190211-WA0009You opened the door, I was still sitting there looking at the wall, it was time for me to take a shower. I couldn’t cordinate what I was doing, got up, grabbed what I needed, got in into the restroom, DAMN! left my spot corrector, but I couldn’t go back to your room. Saw my reflection in the mirror and all I could think was “you can’t go back to that again, run”. It was 8:42 am, we were supposed to leave at 9, I knew we were running late but it was important for me to let it out from my system so I got into the shower and started crying hard but very very quietly so you couldn’t hear me, I was screaming in silence, I was feeling really bad, nothing was making sense to me, I was there with you, I was supposed to be happy but in that moment I felt miserable, so I cried. After that I put some make up on to hide I’ve been crying, I remember I was texting, I could’ve ignored those messages but I needed to think in something else and have some distraction because I couldn’t stand feeling that miserable. Between texting and pretending I was busy I got all set and we left. I couldn’t even look at you in the face.
Tried to take a nap on the way to Sac but I couldn’t stop thinking what am I gonna do? Where do I go? My future plans were blurry, me sitting there next to you on our way to Sacramento made no sense. You asked me why I couldn’t nap and I said “I have a lot in my head” and reached my bag to grab my make up case. What I really wanted to say during that silence was: It’s too early to ruin your day so you don’t want to know…
I had to pretend everything was fine in front of everyone that day, but I wasn’t lucky with that, even with you, I could see you noticed it but you didn’t wanted to know for some reason, or you just didn’t care.

By 2pm that day I had that feeling that this relationship was going nowhere.
Was so hard to be there try to act like everything was fine, was hard to be nice, it wasn’t the best day to be friendly, I knew I would’ve cared more about your friends if my morning would’ve started differently… I’m so sorry.
I couldn’t talk to anybody about it, just texted Abdel a few times but he seemed to be busy.
After I saw my friend Aga and could talk about it, it felt great, then finaly started to enjoy the event—That’s why for me is important to have my own friends– just needed to let it out, I couldn’t trust anybody there, there all on your side, so it felt good having someone on my side that day…
I remember telling her, ” I thought he was the one, I thought we were meant to be together…”
Being at the event, sharing, dancing, it was all real: the music, the people dancing, everyone, you having a great time between jokes, laughs made me realize everything I’ve been missing for not being there, I felt like an outsider, felt like everyone knows who you are but me, and then remembered you saying you were cool with me being away and having more time for yourself–my heart was falling into pieces–… I’ve been missing a lot from you and you’ve been missing a lot from me, and I can’t wait to live that experience sooner than later but you… you’re fine having me away from reality and that thought started drowning me…
At the end of the day my body felt heavy, my arms and legs were not responding correctly, and my heart was broken.
I really tried Juan, to have a good time at the end of the day, but it was a lot going on, and Chayanne singing “acortándome la vida, agachando la mirada, dónde quedan las palabras y el amor que me jurabas?” really?? I was trying not to cry the whole concert…
On our way to SFO I knew I had to say something, I was having an internal fight with myself, I didn’t want to say anything, I’ve never been so afraid of asking when I knew the answer was going to be something I wasn’t expecting… I was under pressure, I was so scared but finally managed to ask “where is this relationship going?” and you know the rest of the story.

Thursday 18th: You said, I’m right… you’re not ready, and that you can’t keep up with this…

My love story got to an end, my first love story written in this book of life at the age of 28. I’ve never loved this intensively before and done the craziest things for love. Love gave me hope, love gave me strength, love game me confidence, today I cry but I thank life for giving me the opportunity to fall in love and get heartbroken, to learn to live, and build beautiful memories…

My heart is huge…I’ll always love you.    NEXT!!!


3 thoughts on “This is how my Love Story ends…

  1. So well written! And so brave to expose your truth this way! 💜 and life goes on regardless, what matters is to stay positive and open to new opportunities!

    Like

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